


The Avengers pay way too much attention to Bucky

by Dulcia



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Black Widow - Freeform, Bruce Banner - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hawkeye - Freeform, Hurt Steve, Iron Man - Freeform, M/M, Natasha Romanoff - Freeform, Pepper Potts - Freeform, Post-Winter Soldier, Sad, Sebastian Stan - Freeform, Smut, Steve Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Vision - Freeform, Wanda Maximoff - Freeform, Weapons, cap is sad, chris evans - Freeform, clint barton - Freeform, post-serum Steve, tony stark - Freeform, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 20:58:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7069870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dulcia/pseuds/Dulcia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the avengers pay too much attention to Bucky Barnes then they do to Steve Rogers' deteriorating health</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers pay way too much attention to Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> Insensitivity to eating animals/vegetarianism
> 
> Depression/suicidal thoughts/self harm
> 
> Please be aware of these warnings as this story isn't one of my happiest ones but there is fluff at the end.

That gun in his hand, was for no one more than himself and it was pressed snugly up against his temple. All he had to do was pull the trigger.

Three months earlier - 16th December 2014

Bucky had returned and Steve couldn't have been happier. His best friend was - to his surprise - the most interesting and fascinating character and that was with Vision and Wanda in the room. Tony was itching to get his hands on the glistening left metal arm, Natasha and Clint begging to spar together and share assassin secrets and more than anything, Steve just wanted his friend to himself. Especially after all of the physical and mental examinations he had been through at SHIELD for almost two years before being 'released into the wild' as Tony had put it bluntly.

He couldn't have him for over seventy years and now was his option now but everyone was in his way and he was frustrated. Bucky was obviously much more calmer than everyone thought he would be. He seemed a little irritated and jumpy when anyone tried to touch him and he looked older and rugged from the long hair and constant pinched expression. Steve's heart ached a little in his chest as he looked at what his best friend had become. He didn't see the winter soldier though. He saw the tortured and disconcerted boy from Brooklyn who in no way deserved everything that Hydra had given to him.

He deserved a long, happy, successful life with a family who would care for him when he was old and grey but instead he had gotten scars and a whole lot of mental issues. Someone should've saved him and that someone was Steve Rogers who couldn't hold on to the most important person in his life. He sighed quietly to himself as he heard Bucky's voice say something across the room before he pushed himself off of the doorframe from where he stood before walking up to the roof. At Peppers request, Tony had converted half of the roof into Pepper's own garden where she could grow fruit and vegetables in her free time and on Steve's request, he had built in a large swimming pool and sitting area for the avengers.

Steve sat down on one of the loungers, looking out over the city of Manhattan where he could see Brooklyn Bridge in the distance and the Empire State just to his right. He lay back as a sound of a door sitting came from behind him. He didn't turn to see who it was as they approached but he recognised the walking pattern which hadn't changed since 1935. He couldn't tell if it was because Bucky was a little more laid back and wasn't because he was the soldier as of right now or just if the trait had never left him.

"Hey, Steve." Bucky said as he sat down on the lounger at Steve's feet. Steve smiled and sat up, giving his friend room before he felt a hand on his shin. "Long time no see, huh?" He laughed nervously before Steve bit his lip, stood up and brought Bucky with him, pulling him into his arms and clutching him close to his body.

The hug was tense at first but then Steve sunk into the hug and then Bucky soon followed. He could feel Bucky breathing against his neck, he could feel the tickle of his hair against his lips, chin and jaw and everything felt perfect. He had his best friend in his arms and he was hugging back and not trying to kill him. "Fuck, Steve." Bucky said with a laugh, rocking them side to side which was something he always used to do when Steve was sick and his frustration and anger at the world for being sick had melted into tears and hiccuped sobs.

Steve squeezed his eyes shut at the emotion that had welled up in his chest and eyes. He balled his hands in Bucky's shirt as they hugged longer, his legs trembling at the smell of his hair and the feel of his scruff on his neck which was so, so familiar. "God, I missed you. I thought you died and then I thought you died or got captured again," Steve rambled, pulling away but catching Bucky's face in his hands, looking over Bucky's features for any hints of uncomfortableness or distress but instead he saw an otherwise calm or content face. "You're okay?" He asked.

"Shield have incredible therapists and activities. I have days, I have quite a few and I'll still have to see therapists, probably for the rest of my life but yeah... I'm okay." He said quickly. Steve rubbed his thumbs over Bucky's cheeks before he hugged him again, standing in each other's warmth for a while longer.

One month later - 17th January 2015

Steve didn't admit it but something felt... off. He wasn't sure if it was the cold weather that had (what felt like permanently) lodged itself into his bones or the fact that his friends were always more interested in Bucky and what he had to say and what he had to do. He wasn't jealous, not at all, his friend deserved the warmth of feeling like he had friends and family but he couldn't help but feel a little lonely.

Tony was either in his lab, with Pepper or fantasising over the mechanics of Bucky's arm. Bruce was away on a long holiday somewhere. Vision and Wanda were off in their own world most of the time and Clint was always urging Bucky to come to the shooting range with him. Sam was in DC with the VA and his new girlfriend and Natasha... Natasha was like Bucky's comfort blanket and it partly pissed Steve off, disappointed him and made him feel an empty pit in his stomach.

He felt like he should be the person that Bucky runs to when he wakes up from a nightmare or to be the one to reassure him or to ask just to spar with or to go running with and he felt incredibly left out of the avengers business.

Such as right now. They were all in the living room watching a movie as it was movie night Friday and the avengers had taken up all of the big sofa and the love seat which left Steve sitting on a small chair in the corner which made it so he was too far away to join in with any of what his friends were talking about and since the chair was nailed to the floor, there was nothing he could've done about the situation. He felt like the chair was nailed to the floor on purpose just to add to the spite that he already felt against himself. It was like the chair was saying 'yeah, watch this. Your own kinda torture but there's nothing you can do about it. You're stuck.' So he watched them instead of the film. Natasha was running her hands through Bucky's hair, Clint was pulling a face at Bucky's feet on his lap and Pepper and Tony were sat on the love seat cuddling. Vision was next to Natasha, staring at the popcorn curiously whilst Wanda was lying against him, using her magic to pick up a piece of popcorn and make it travel towards her.

He stared at Bucky who was watching the TV screen, the colours slashing across his handsome face which complimented the contours of it perfectly. He wanted to hold him like he did in the war when they were upset or angry at themselves at their actions of that certain day. When the idea of killing innocent people got too much or bombing people's livelihoods or even killing a soldier that had obviously lied about their age in the enlistment form. Steve stood up abruptly, catching everyone's attention before he marched out of the room and into the lift, going to his own floor for a shower.

He was partly disappointed yet relieved when he realised no one had come after him to see if he was okay after his shower.

His mind felt too busy, too crowded so he decided to go and watch YouTube for a while. "Our very own Captain America! But is he was innocent as we think?" The MTV presenter asked on the video. Steve snorted as he continued watching. "So we all know Cap, the handsome super soldier who has some mad time travelling skills considering he's lived from 1918 all the way up to 2015 without ageing." She said with a laugh. Steve sighed.

"But Steve Rogers is quite the destroyer. Has anyone thought about the damage him and his friends have done in the past few years? People seem too focused on the good." She said enthusiastically as pictures from the Battle of New York, Washington and Sokovia popped up on the screen. Steve felt like he had been punched in the stomach, the air taken from his lungs and his legs weak and tired as the woman went on to talk about Captain America and all of his disadvantages before concluding, "Cap is merely a symbol of hope that he can't live up to."

And that's how his night went. He researched what people had thought about Captain America and how he had killed people's family members in the attacks and that was enough to leave him emotionally drained and heavy limbed for the whole week.

He walked into the common rooms kitchen the next day, his hair disheveled and his pyjama pants inside out. "Eggs or bacon... or both?" Tony asked as he cracked some eggs into the frying pan. Steve stared for a moment, still in a daze from his nightmare that had him awake at five in the morning.

"Both," he mumbled. Tony nodded and threw the food in the pan, telling FRIDAY to tell him when the food was ready.

"Well, Cap. You look awful." He told him before thrusting a cup of coffee in his hands. "Rough night?" He asked.

"I guess," Steve sighed, sipping his coffee before sighing again. "Am I a bad person?" He asked Tony who frowned at him.

"We are all bad people with a hell of a lotta shit on our conscience but we've all done good things so it makes up for the bad things." he replied wisely. Steve looked into his coffee as he processed Tony's words. "Why'd you ask?"

Steve looked up at his friend and smiled sadly, "just looked up some things last night, got me thinking things." He replied. Tony put his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Steve, that's the last thing you wanna do so don't do it." He said. Steve just nodded and pointed to the food on the stove. "FRIDAY!" Tony bellowed as he took the burning food off of the burner. 

"Sorry boss," her voice called, sounding slightly sarcastic.

"I wish I never made you," Tony muttered as he put the slightly burnt food on a plate.

"I heard that," Friday said, making Tony roll his eyes as Steve started to eat the food. It wasn't bad. He's eaten worse.

"How's Barnes?" Tony asked, grabbing himself a bowl of cocoa pops and milk before their bigger breakfast when the rest of the avengers were awake. Steve laughed spitefully as he ate, dropping his head lethargically.

"I don't fucking know. He never talks to me," he grunted bitterly, making Tony sigh loudly. "He talks to Natasha and Clint but he doesn't talk to the person he's known pretty much his whole life." He said, feeling himself get angry as he stabbed the bacon with his fork.

"Cap, the pigs already dead. No need to kill it again." Tony said urgently to Steve, prying the fork out of his hands. "Eat with your fingers," he spat. Steve scowled as he picked up the bacon, tearing it before throwing it into his mouth. "Anyways, maybe you should just involve yourself with the three of them, see where it gets you."

Steve pushed his plate away from him, suddenly feeling sick at the thought of barging in on Clint, Natasha's and Bucky's relationship with one another. "I'm going to the gym." He muttered and then left to the gym to punch the fuck out of the bags.

He didn't even wrap his knuckles before he began hitting the punching bag. He kicked it when he felt his arms weakening and his knuckles splitting, still not feeling relaxed when he was bleeding on the floor and his ankles bruised from kicking the bag. He eventually sat down in front of the hanging punching bag, leaning his head against it as he looked down at his hands. "What the fuck?" Bucky's voice called when he saw Steve's state. "What're you doing?" He asked irritably as he got closer to Steve.

"Punching a punching bag. The fuck does it look like?" Steve sassed, frowning up at his friend who was now knealing down by his side.

"It looks like you're bleeding all over the floor, Steven. And your ankles too?" Bucky groaned, going to the cabinets in the gym and returning with gauze and solution to wash out the injuries.

"Bucky, it'll heal in half an hour. Just leave it, it'll be fine." He complained as Bucky rubbed at the sensitive skin.

"Well it don't look fine," Bucky's Brooklyn drawl said, making Steve feel slightly taken back by the accent. He grumbled before resting his head back against the punching bag as he gave in and let Bucky clean his hands. "You know, Natasha told me about what you've been like since I was... away. Apparently you've been a diva."

"She's a liar." He argued, making Bucky chuckle and brush a metal thumb over the plastered skin.

"No she isn't." He replied, making Steve roll his eyes.

"It's her job, Bucky. She's a liar." Steve told him as he felt his friends grip tighten on his hand. "What's your problem?" Steve asked, his frown deep.

"I don't have a problem." He paused. "Well I have quite a few but this ain't one of them." Bucky answered with a hint of sarcasm. Steve huffed and stood up, grabbing his bag as he did so. "Do you like Nat?"

"Yeah, she's nice and she's supportive." Bucky answered as he stood up himself. Steve felt his chest tighten before he felt the start of a hole. He just felt so lonely. "Why, you jealous?" He taunted.

Steve took a deep breath, his hands curling into fists. "I'm not fucking jealous. I'm pissed off that my best friend is going to someone he's known ten minutes instead of me who he's known his whole life." Steve hissed, his voice rising as Bucky's eyebrows shot up.

"That's why you've been like this?" Bucky laughed. Bucky was laughing at him. Steve felt his chest ache as Bucky's snickers filled the room. "You're jealous!" He cackled. Steve watched as he laughed, his eyes burning as Clint walked in.

"Buck, wanna come shooting? Unless you're busy already." He asked as Bucky stopped laughing, a smirk plastered on his lips.

"I'm coming," he told him, turning around and following Clint out without even turning to look back at his increasing deteriorating best friend. Why was Bucky like this? Why was he so insulting to Steve and no one else and why did he make him feel so pathetic? Ignoring the stinging pain in his chest, Steve marched out of the gym and went straight to his room to pack a bag of necessities before going to his jeep in the garage.

"Captain, Mr Stark wishes to know where you're going," Friday's voice asked. Steve sighed and leaned his head against the steering wheel.

"Tell him I'm going to DC to see Sam. Don't want anyone following me," he said before driving towards the highway, not caring if he was to be hit by a car right now. It may not kill him but it'd give him the satisfaction of feeling pain somewhere else other than his chest and stomach.

-/-

The drive to DC was long and quiet. Steve didn't want to think but he had done so anyways. He never seemed to be able to switch his mind off, especially since Bucky's little performance in the gym and Steve didn't doubt that Tony had caught it all on camera.

Tony had rang as he drove closer to Sam's house which was such a relief to Steve as it interrupted his thoughts for a while. "Hey cap. Want me to tell the others where you are off to?" He had asked, the clang of metal in the background.

"No thanks, Tony. I just gotta see Sam for a bit." He said, pulling onto the drive.

"Is it to do with Barnes?" Tony asked, sounding quite sympathetic for once. Steve sighed and played with his car keys for a while. 

"Partly. Just needed to get away from the tower I think. I felt claustrophobic." He replied. He listened to the silence on the other end of the line.

"Are you okay, Steve?" He asked carefully. Steve chuckled sadly to himself before answering honestly.

"I don't know," he hung up after that, ignoring Tony's second call afterwards. It was nice to know he cared at least.

One month later - 16th February 2015

Steve had stayed in DC for a week before returning back to the tower and for the three weeks back, Tony and Wanda had seemed to stick closer to him. Wanda had sat next to him at movie night, leaning against him as Tony sat at his feet alone as Pepper was one a business trip in London. Bucky and Natasha were talking to each other quietly and Clint and Vision were playing chess in the corner and of course Clint had begun to get irritated by vision winning.

Steve looked around the room, seeing all these people but feeling so isolated and so guilty. He looked at Wanda and then decided to put his arm around her snugly, trying to see if the contact would make him feel any better. Wanda had put her hand on his chest and curled up to his side but seemingly all he wanted to do was curl up alone and sleep. "I'm going to bed," he told Wanda. She sat up and frowned.

"You sure? There still another hour left of the movie." She asked. Steve nodded and stood up, going to his floor, not even bothering to get changed before falling asleep.

He woke up the next day, irritated and angry and not wanting to move at all. He kept the curtains shut and lay in bed for a while, letting his thought consume him and blame people for how he feels. He blamed Bucky, he blamed Zola and he blamed Schmidt and Hitler for making him feel the guilt from the lives he had taken. He even blamed his mother at one point for giving him a life to live until he realised that he was being stupid and pathetic over the whole thing.

He shouldn't be blaming his mother or Bucky. The other three got what was coming. He lay in bed up until three O'clock until Natasha rushed in, decked out in her stealth gear. "We have a mission. Just to capture some Hydra agents in Ohio, wanna come? It'll only take a day or two." She asked as she tightened a strap around her wrist. Steve turned his head and blinked at her before sighing.

"Do I have to?" He asked. She shook her head. "I'll stay here. Hold down the fort," he replied, pulling the sheets over his shoulders.

"Um, okay. Wanda is here too." She said, sounding confused as Steve grunted and turned into his side, his back facing her as she paused before leaving, shutting the door behind her. He didn't remember much else because he fell asleep almost immediately after she had left.

The next time he had woken up, he had heard the Quinjet landing on the roof before he fell asleep again and he didn't mind in the slightest.

He got woken up by a whir of metal plating slotting together and Bucky's voice waking him up. He forced open his eyes and then shut them when he saw Bucky in a pair of sweatpants and a vest. "Steve, wake up please. You've been asleep for like, twenty four hours." He said sadly.

Steve looked at him and sighed, taking in Bucky's worried expression. "Why'd you care?" He asked, slurring his words.

"Why wouldn't I? Steve, you never see us anymore and the fact that you didn't come on that mission is really worrying. Sam's coming tomorrow as well." Steve frowned up at Bucky.

"Buck, you shouldn't have called Sam. I'm fine, I'll get up. I've been tired." Steve whined, pushing himself up to sitting position.

"Steve, wait a second please. Talk to me," Bucky begged, his eyes pleading and his hand still on his shoulder.

"Funny, that. How you want me to talk to you about how I feel when you haven't come to me once in the last three months about your own problems." Steve replied, forcing his weak arms to throw the sheets off of his body and then push Bucky's hand off his shoulder.

"I have my reasons, Steve." Bucky argued as he stood up. Steve felt a spike of anger travel through his back before he turned back to Bucky.

"And I have mine so fuck off," he hissed, almost ripping a clean shirt he had gotten from his dresser.

"Fucks sake, Steve. Just talk to me. God knows I'll understand," he said. Steve gripped the shirt tighter before he went towards Bucky, grabbed his right wrist and took him to the door.

"Leave me the fuck alone! I don't need your help and I don't need Sam's. I am fine but I won't be if I don't go to sleep so just get out," he seethed, pushing Bucky out of the room before slamming it shut behind him and locking it, blocking the door with the furniture. He knew it wouldn't hold back Bucky but it'd give him the message.

After he was done, he found himself to be exhausted and then climbed back into bed, not caring about eating or showering or even using the toilet. He could hold it.

-/-

Somehow, Sam had gotten into his room - probably Wanda's Magic - and he was sat on a chair next to his bed when he woke up. "Hey man. Long time no see," he said when he woke up. Steve just stared at him blankly, wishing that he could say something that didn't have him second guessing himself but instead, he kept quiet and let his eyelids slip shut again.

He heard Sam's sigh and then felt a hand on his arm. "Cap, come on." He asked. Steve just stayed quiet and pretended to sleep until Sam left. He strained to hear what he was saying next door, only making out the words, "he's fine." He knew it wasn't true but really, he didn't find himself caring.

He no longer cared about himself. He didn't eat, drink or showered. He hardly even moved, no matter how uncomfortable he got. He no longer cared about any missions or about his friends.

He cared about the people he had murdered in cold blood and he cared about the emptiness inside. He cared enough to pull himself out of bed and to the bathroom to see if it helped him feel any different.

The knife in his arm didn't help.

It made him feel worse.

He managed to care enough to clean the blood away and wrap some bandages around his arm before getting back into bed.

He soon grew irritated with himself, pushing himself up to go back to the roof of the building. He didn't know what he was doing, he didn't care much either but as he stood on the top of the roofs ledge, staring down at the fall, he asked himself if Bucky fell that far. He probably fell for longer, or maybe the fall felt like it was long, like it was more stretched out.

He let one foot hover over the edge of the building, hating himself even more when he realised he couldn't do it.

He couldn't fall like Bucky did.

One month later - 16th March 2015

Clint had been in and told them that they had another mission but this one was bigger. Something about fighting more Hydra agents in San Diego and of course, he had been directed to go but he hadn't. He just stayed in bed and pretended to be asleep.

Today was a particularly bad day and he couldn't seem to sleep to stop the feeling. The entire tower was deserted of avengers and Sam was back in DC so he was alone.

"Call us if you need anything," Wanda had said. He remembered feeling her hand on his head and then her lips on his forehead before leaving, shutting the door behind herself.

Steve had surprised himself. He had gotten out of bed and he had changed into a pair of different sweatpants and a lose shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror and stared at the reflection. He hardly recognised himself as the man he used to see looked proud and dependable and healthy. This version of himself looked sick and tired and hollow. Is this what everyone else saw?

Steve sighed and went to Bucky's room, digging about in his drawers before he found a gun under one of the pillows. "What are you doing, Captain?" Friday's voice called. Steve grunted as he dragged his heavy limbs back to his floor.

"Fuck off Friday." He demanded before he fell into his apartment, dragging himself to the sofa before juggling the gun in his hand. He clicked the safety off and suddenly felt consumed by something unfamiliar. Joy. He didn't think himself as being selfish. He was doing his friends a favour, the world a favour. He'd go to heaven and see his family, see Peggy and apologise to those who lost their lives to him.

He looked down at it before a couple of tears seeped down his cheeks before they became fully blown sobs. He cried for his mother and his father and for those he had killed. He cried for the avengers and for what all of them had been through to get to where they were now and he cried for Bucky who had been through so much more than any of them. The Bucky who had once been carefree and sociable and flirty and the Bucky who was now tense and silent and a shell of himself.

However, that gun in his hand, was for no one more than himself and it was pressed snugly up against his temple. All he had to do was pull the trigger. He let the sobs consume him as he tightened his finger around the trigger. He took a deep breath before he told himself to squeeze it but he just couldn't get himself to do it. Steve let out an even louder sob, not hearing the iron man suit clashing through the window before he got hit with the metal so that the gun went flying across the room. "No!" He screamed before going after it, only to be held back by Tony's metal fist around his ankle. "Please!" He cried, slowly slouching to the floor. He didn't even register Tony getting out of his suit or the billionaires arms wrapping around his torso.

"Steve, come on, buddy." He heard Tony say. He let Tony pull him into his side for a while before he felt Bucky's arms wrap around his body. He put his hands to his face to muffle the ugly sobs ripping through him.

"Just let me do it," he cried, his sobs rippling through his stomach and then through his chest. "I want to do it. I want to die! Give me another chance," he begged. He was talking more than he had done for almost four months.

"Stevie, I can't let you." Bucky said in his ear, holding his head to his shoulder. Steve cried harder in Bucky's arms. "Baby, just let it out," he told him and Steve sat on Bucky's lap, surrounded by Tony, Clint and Natasha, Clint, Wanda and Vision as they watched the Great Captain America become skinny Steve Rogers once more. Insecure and small on his best friends lap.

It took him hours to completely calm down and in those hours, the avengers had left the room but Tony had told Friday to fill the room with a bergamot scent to help calm him down. Natasha and Clint had brought some food and water before leaving them both in peace.

"You done?" Bucky asked quietly in the quiet room. Steve dropped his arms from where they had been around Bucky's back as he slouched against him. "I'm sorry I didn't notice. I'm sorry I was distant because God, I love you so much and I am so fucking sorry." Bucky whispered, kissing Steve's ear.

"I'm sorry," Steve said hoarsely, sitting limply against him as Bucky muttered apologies into his ear.

"Do you really wanna die?" Bucky asked, his eyes glassy as Steve stared at him lifelessly before nodding and averting his eyes from his best friend. "Fuck, I'm gonna look after you. We will get you to see that life is worth while," he said and he did. Bucky and the rest of the avengers together got Steve to go to therapy sessions in the tower everyday.

He would be bratty and tired afterwards but it helped that Bucky always had his arms open for him to fall into when he didn't want to think about the session. Bucky stayed with him at night, hugging him as they slept and holding hands so they wouldn't drift away from each other. Clint called them sea otters but Steve didn't care. He didn't care about much these days though.

About a month after Steve's incident, he managed to ask Bucky how they had known to have gotten to him in time. He got answered with Wanda walking into the room and opening the window. "Friday told us. Said that you seemed to be in great distress." She told him as Bucky ran his metal fingers through his hair. Steve just stared at the navy blue of his friends shirt as Wanda rubbed his back softly. He was very lucky to have his friends but he couldn't help feeling like he didn't deserve it.

Three months. That was how long it took Steve to feel a tiny bit better. Partly because of the anti-depressants that Tony and Bruce had made together especially for super soldiers. Bucky got some too. Steve felt a little bit more alive then usual. He felt like he could get himself out of bed without being forced to get out of it by Bucky or Wanda or Natasha and when he did before someone came in to get him, their glum facial expressions lit up. "You're up!" Tony exclaimed before he stood up and made his way to the Captain. They stared at each other for a while. Steve had hardly seen Tony since he knocked the gun out of his hand. "You're such a fucking idiot," Tony choked out, sounding emotional before he hugged Steve closely.

Steve slowly hugged him back, feeling the hole in his chest begin to not feel as wide.

-/-

Five months since Steve's attempted suicide and he was finding it easy to get out of bed everyday, he was even starting to laugh a little more but he couldn't bring himself to leave the tower. The thought of it just made him tired. He was sat with Wanda who was putting down a Sokovian delicacy in front of him on the table. He looked down at it, picking at it before deciding to try it. Wanda watched quietly while Bucky wandered into the room. "What you doing?" He asked, rubbing the junction between his metal arm and shoulder uncomfortably.

"Steve is trying my svinekoteletter," Wanda said as Steve ate another piece and nodding at the plate.

"Pork chops, right?" Bucky asked intelligently, sitting down by Steve and resting his hand on his thigh comfortingly. "Is it good, Stevie?" He asked.

"Really good," Steve replied, eating his last bite before chasing it down with water. "Thanks Wanda, that was great," he supplied, looking to Bucky who was smiling softly at him.

"Wanna go for a walk?" Bucky asked. Steve hesitated, frowning as he slowly stood up. "We will stay in the tower, maybe go to the roof. Pepper has put in some more trees, like the little ones so we can go check that out," he asked. Steve nodded as Bucky led them out of the kitchen, leaving Wanda and the just appeared Vision in peace.

"I'm sorry that I'm like this," Steve said quietly, feeling Bucky's hand on his lower back.

"Hey, don't say that. You're getting better, baby. You're outta bed and you're walking about, I mean look at you," Bucky said softly, letting the pet name spill from his lips as they climbed the stairs to the roof instead of the elevator. "You're doing so well and so much more better than I did five months into therapy." He said. Steve nodded and took Bucky's hand off of his back and holding it instead.

"This okay?" He asked. Bucky smiled and nodded, rubbing his thumb against his knuckles. "Thanks, Bucky. For everything. I know this can't be easy on your own mind," Steve said sadly, feeling his chest ache. They stopped on one of the stairs, Bucky staring at him.

"You're right, it isn't easy but I'm with you until the end of the line, right? I ain't leaving you behind," Bucky said casually, making Steve whimper and lean his forehead against his friends.

"I left you behind," he whispered. He felt Bucky's arms wrap around his shoulders before a gentle kiss pressed against his cheekbone.

"But I'm here now. And Steve, I don't blame you for that. I will never blame you," he whispered. Bucky looked at him and sniffled, his eyes watering before he pressed his lips against Bucky's. Steve pulled away just as quickly as he kissed him, his eyes wide and his breaths coming out stuttered as Bucky looked back at him in shock.

"I'm sorry, sorry," Steve gasped.

"Don't be sorry, punk." He muttered before pulling him back in and smashing their lips together. It made Steve feel alive again, the adrenaline that began pumping through his veins and the fuzzy feeling that have him a light headed feeling in his head that had him leaning into Bucky a little more. He could feel hands on his back, moving softly and calmly instead of jerkily and roughly. Steve could feel Bucky's lips working against his own, the slight scruff on his chin brushing against his own. Bucky pulled away first, putting his right hand to Steve's cheek before pecking his lips once more. "How'd that feel?" He laughed, coaxing a laugh out of Steve.

"Made me feel alive," he whispered in the empty stair well. Bucky looked at him, an unexplainable glint in his eyes as he pulled him into another kiss that lasted as long as the last one did.

"Good," Bucky replied. They walked up the stairs until they got to the rooftop. Pepper was in a pair of shorts and a vest in her garden, a sheen of sweat on her skin as she tied her hair up.

"Hey, boys." She said, not taking her eyes off of the plant she was putting soil over. They both said their greetings back and walk to the sun loungers. Steve sat down first, pulling his shirt over his head. He wasn't speaking as much as he used to, he was a little more closed off. The doctor had said that it might never changed as his mental health had deteriorated quickly and also because of what he had gone through mentally and physically.

It didn't make much sense to Steve as Bucky had been through the same sort of thing and more. But he also knew that his best friend had two years of help and therapy to get him back to where he was today and well before the war, Bucky would never shut his mouth. "Why you lookin' at me like that?" Bucky laughed as his eyes dropped to the captains torso and back to his eyes.

Steve smiled, slightly surprising himself before he saw Bucky's smile get wider. "I dunno, you're pretty." He said quietly. Steve looked at his friend, watched the soft grin on his lips and the different shades of brown and black and even a bit of blonde that ran through his hair in the sun. He was naturally stunning and Steve was blessed to have this man back in his life.

"I'm pretty?" Bucky laughed and patted Steve's knee, moving closer to him. "You're the pretty one, Stevie." He added, looking at him as if he was the best thing he had ever laid eyes one. "My best guy, my sweet boy." He whispered, resting the cool metal hand to the back of his neck and massaging the skin there.

Steve turned to Pepper's allotment, saw she wasn't there and then pulled Bucky onto his lap, rubbing at the material of his shirt on his back. "Take your shirt off?" Steve asked. Bucky looked over his face before hesitantly pulling off his shirt, revealing the soft down of chest hair and the gleam of metal, the pink scars that'll never whiten and turn to silver ribbons but he was beautiful anyway.

The blond ran his hand down his back as Bucky relaxed into the feel, leaning to press his forehead against Steve's. "Can I kiss you again?" He asked, getting a quick nod in response. They kissed for a little longer this time, their lips sometimes wandering to their jaws or their neck until their lips began to ache and pulsate.

"Buck," Steve whispered. Bucky stared at him intently, his hand resting on his shoulder so he could stare into his eyes.

"Yeah, sweet boy?" He asked. Steve found himself blushing at the nickname.

"I don't wanna kill myself anymore." He said honestly, getting the biggest smile out of Bucky all day before a couple of tears fell down his cheeks.

"I'm so glad, baby. I'm so proud of you Stevie. My best guy, my sweet boy." He said as he hugged Steve to his bare chest. Steve put his arms around Bucky's waist, their breathing in sync as the sun beat down on their skin. They were peaceful, they were resting and they were happy. Steve was happy and it felt so good; better than he remembered.

Five months later - 16th June 2017

Steve was watching his boyfriend with a lazy grin, adrenaline shooting through his veins and a feeling of peace and calmness. He was lying on the bed, their bed in their apartment in Brooklyn that they had bought together six months ago. They were finally happy and content with where they were and Steve... Steve was so happy.

He still gets those days when he has to stay in bed all day but Bucky will always get him to the sofa in the evening. Bucky has the odd day where he's the same and Steve will stay with him, not for his own benefit but for Bucky's.

But as of right now, Steve was watching as Bucky shook his ass sensually from across the room, a song by arctic monkeys playing in the background. He had his cock in his hand as Bucky spun around elegantly, the teachings from the Red Room coming back as he came to Steve's bedside, climbing onto it and straddling Steve. He began rubbing their bare crotches together, his eyes shut and his lips open slightly as Steve stared up at him, thanking every God for the man atop of him. Bucky looked down at him and smiled, his face blissed out as if he was exactly where he wanted to be.

"You're gorgeous, sweet boy," he told Steve, making the captain smile and lean up, pressing his lips to Bucky's, instantly tonguing him. He flipped them over, leaving Bucky to wrap his thighs around his waist in an attempt for more friction. Steve laughed and kissed his neck, sucking love bites that'd fade before they were even finished.

He stared down at Bucky as he aligned his cock to Bucky's joke, pressing in effortless without the need of prep as his boyfriend could take him, just like he did that morning. He put his hands either side of his head, slowly thrusting into Bucky. It felt intimate as he felt hands on his sides, trailing all the way up to his armpits before trailing over his back, caressing the muscles there as his head tilted back and his hips lifted off the bed to create more friction. "I got you, baby," Steve said, his voice tense and constricted from pleasure as he leaned down, kissing Bucky again.

Steve picked up his speed, starting to make breathy gasps fall from Bucky's lips and a frown beginning at his brow. He ground into Bucky, making one of those sinful moans erupt from his mouth. It spurred him onto slam into his assassin boyfriend, a grin on his lips as he heard Bucky scream out his name. His head was buried in the crook of Bucky's neck. "Steve, baby, oh god." He gasped, his back arching as Steve's hips stuttered momentarily.

"Baby. Buck," he grunted into his neck, his own pleasure making him thrust even faster, their bodies almost completely touching as Bucky came between them both, Steve following almost a moment later. He lay against Bucky for a while, feeling Bucky pant by his ear before he felt metal fingers carding through his hair.

"Sweet boy, so good." He said breathlessly. "So proud of how far you've come, Stevie." He whispered. Steve smiled and looked at Bucky, kissing his cheek and then his nose and then his lips.

"I love you so much," he told Bucky who smiled widely, his legs unwinding from Steve's waist.

"Love you too," he said. Steve chuckled and pulled out, making a wet sound that he couldn't help but snort at before they moved to the shower, washing the sweat and semen from their bodies, mainly Bucky's ass as he muttered about how 'no one said that the cum would come back out,' as Steve helped him dry off.

Steve watched as Bucky walked out of their bathroom, grumbling to himself adorably as held onto their big towel that they could wrap around their shoulders that almost went down to touching the floor. Pepper had ordered them in for them as they could never find good enough towels to accommodate with their heights.

He was so in love and he was so intensely happy. He found himself grinning at how everything had turned out for them. Missions were becoming less and less. Hydra was almost dead, he was pretty sure and Bucky was the happy go lucky - sometimes very grumpy - boy he had known before the war.

"You comin' to bed, sweet boy?" Bucky's voice rang through the apartment from their bedroom. Steve smiled, laughing through his nose and shaking his head as he thought about how lucky he was while walking to their bedroom.


End file.
